It saddens me greatly to write this, but our dearest Hog has gone missing. I've been his dutiful friend and employee through his entrepreneurial enterprise and when he made his decision to checkout of the business (for personal reasons, he tells me) I was willing to take over management of Hog's Hangout.
It was not without serious reflection that I took on this burden. First, I pleaded with Hog not to go. He is the very heart and sole of the Hangout and we are all sorry at his leaving. Me more than anyone else, as I alone know the long hours that go into keeping a prosperous business like this running and profitable. Many a long night have I spent keeping up the place and it is a terrible burden.
But Hog was not inclined to take 'no' for an answer, so, grieved, I acquiesed and allowed that I would take over as sole proprieter of the Hangout. But this brings me to the present issue: Hog was so distraught from his personal distress that he left before actually signing over the property. So I'm pleading with anyone, everyone, whoever is out there: if you see Hog, please contact me immediately. Don't attempt to approach him for, in his current condition of distress and discomfort, he might not recognize you as his dear friend and take a chunk out of your side and leave you bleeding in the hospital for a week and a bill that you can't really afford.
I'm not asking for myself—I ask of you for Hog, whom we all love and cherish, that to help him get through these dark times you let me know where he is as soon as possible without alerting him. Thank you.
Teo, Owner and Proprieter, Hog's Hangout
Be afraid, be very afraid. Not of the gators (though they're bad enough), but of Teo. It ain't natural what that fellow looks like. Sometimes I think he ain't even human.
— Scabbers, Arkansas